Triggers

I used to have a lot of different ideas about various objects and language. For example, about two years after the last time I smoked meth I couldn't use gas stovetops, disposable lighters, tin foil, or other stuff I used for ... using - in the recovery world we call these "triggers," or nouns, verbs, and adjectives that trigger a euphoric recall about using a drug. Let's say I had some serious issues with this for some time (my list of triggers was four pages long, word for word, line by line, double-sided on college ruled paper).

You know that guy who is always making those sexual innuendos about stuff... you're thinking, "where's your head man?" Yeah, that guy, he's always thinking about sex. For me, I was always thinking about drugs. So when I'm hanging out with bike racers and the term "peaking" is used I instantly start thinking about peaking on E or L or G or whatever and it takes me a minute to internalize "I'm not high" then I realize it's not 'that' peaking.

Anyways, I think it's a crock of shit. It probably isn't, but as far as my cycling is concerned, it is. I don't peak. I might lower my volume for a period so I can gain my wits and a lucid sense of reality again, but I don't peak. Not my thing. I show up at races with whatever I've got in the tank. I can't ask myself to sacrifice any more mental energy on bikes, it's a principle. As an amateur, in my mind, it's not worth it to take it that seriously.

If I was going to worlds, I might reconsider. But since my only international event is the Saturday Morning International World Invitational GP I can't really bring myself there. Sure, there's a lot of people out there who I race against who do take it that seriously, and that's cool, I'm not going to judge them... much. But I won't be bothered with that type of mind set.

I've got this pro contract with computer science. It's pretty neat. I like it, and it brings me a different sense of satisfaction than competitive racing. It's more mental than physical - I need both of those mind-sets to be challenged daily because I get board easily. The idea of centering your life around one thing - social stuff, racing stuff, work stuff - isn't healthy. I like the challenge of balancing all of those things, spinning (there's another one of those trigger words) a lot of different plates, but not reading into or allowing any one plate to take over my life.