Being There

Riding about is about being present. It's the seminole reason and essence of every ride. It's hard to be present for everything else, but riding forces on to be in the moment - any distraction can be disastrous. Racing is the extreme end of this present state. The mental burden that eventually gets to you if you have any doubt of your ability to be in the here and now.

Being present in life is a challenge. For me, it's been a life-long search to figure out strategies by which I can stay present for my friends and family. It has been such a huge burden on my mind that I became a drug addict in part to ensure I didn't have to be there for people - sorry, I'm using, I can't be of any help to you right now.

That was my one-off cope out. Ah yes, to be young, stupid and without regard for empathy. Since becoming a bit more grown up I've found that being there for people is important, and it's not as hard as I made it out to be. In fact, I've found that instead of it being a burden on my emotional state that it actually engages my mind in a way that adds to my energy - instead of a sink that I pour my energy down, when I'm emotionally engaged with people I find that my mental energy goes up.

I have three levels by which I engage with people. These three levels are also indicative of how close I am with any person given the level on which we engage naturally.

The first level: Fact sharing.

The second level: Opinion sharing.

The third level: Emotional sharing.

Level one sharing is akin to "breaking the ice" or "small talk." There's nothing really substantive in the dialogue and is meant to take up the air between two people in order to fullfill any "awkward silence" that may occur when two people initially meet or between two people who are "just being nice." It serves one of those two purposes. Perhaps you just met and you find that you have a good vibe with this person, so you share some facts. Maybe they find interest in those facts - honest interest. Then maybe, with this co-interest in the subject by which you both find common ground, you can move on to opinions about the facts. But really, those opinions are meaningless without co-interested parties. Nobody who doesn't ride gives a shit about your opinion of Gore Ride On cables versus Nokon or Campag.

The "just being nice" aspect may be incurred when two people first meet but there is no energy exchange. You're both nice to each other but, "hey, how about this weather?"

Level two sharing is really an extension of level one. As I said above, you share opinions when you find you have common ground and co-interest in a broached subject. Most "acquaintances" don't get beyond this level. I would say this is where my work relationships end up except in a few cases which I can count on half a hand. I would also say this is where most of my social interactions end. Cycling is about facts and opinions, you'd be amazed how many hours you can spend on a bike talking and getting to only this level.

In fact, cyclists and athletes in general don't want to admit to emotional intelligence. Having emotions can get in the way of athletic goals - it's all mental, just like dehydration.

Level three sharing is vulnerable and risky. Most don't share feelings unless they are very close with the person with whom they are interacting. Emotional vulnerability is seen as taboo in our culture, especially for men. Men are not supposed to have feelings and it's not very masculine to share them if they do.

Level three is a natural state for me. I don't know why. It's the reason a lot of people keep me at arms length - people get scared when someone places so much emotion on the line with people he or she barely knows.

Vulnerability is a risk and the person who risks a lot is not to be trusted.

Granted, I don't actually share things that I perceive as making me vulnerable. To the people who are close to me, with whom I've actually shared my vulnerabilities, one can rest assured my secrets are safe with them - and they're way more interesting and make me far more vulnerable than basic level three sharing. I like to think of level three as an ice berg of knowledge, and when I go there with people I barely know it's only the tip of this ice berg.

So, yes, I do have boundaries. It's just that my bar for what can or should be shared is much lower due to the massive height of my level three ice berg. I feel comfortable sharing much more because that particular pile of shit is so high for me, so the bar can sit lower with out actually making me feel as though I've shared something that crosses the line - AKA TMI.

When I'm trying to be there for people in my life (it's always "trying" because I can't honestly say I'm there 100% of the time) I need to be on level three. You can't be there for someone with opinions and facts - those are meant to inform emotional interaction, perhaps with logic and reason to find solutions to personal dilemmas - but by themselves, without emotion, they don't help much.

This is one reason why I ride by myself so much. I'm alone, and not forced to interact on a level that I'm not comfortable with. Riding is a way for me to process daily interactions, and if I'm riding with someone I barely know I find that process stagnant. The present state of riding allows me the time to find solutions for myself. It's the present state I need, it provides a place for my mind to work through the reason and logic and have some "level three" time with myself. Like personal emotional auditing. Once I get that out of the way, once I deal with my own personal problems while I'm out riding, becoming present and helping others is simple. Nothing is more difficult than dealing with your own issues.

Somewhere along the way I decided to take my own advice.