Balance

Sometimes I forget that my life is pretty busy, I mean, I get so caught up in the day to day stuff that actually stepping back and realizing that I am in fact a busy guy is rare. Driving back from Boonville last Sunday after a six hour ride in the morning I had one of those moments. I feel like it's important to have a realization every now and then that convey's to you the balance in your life, whether or not the scales are tipped.

Every day we wake up, drink some coffee or tea and get on with our day. The sun rises, the sun sets. In between we work, play, socialize, and do chores. If you're like me you get into rubber band shooting matches with your roommate after dinner (I lost).

I'm trying to make time for everyone including myself, who happens to be demanding as hell. When compared to my family, my friends, it's myself that takes up all the time and I have a propensity of getting down on myself about this. But when I step back and take time to realize the way in which I got to where I am today it becomes clear that this "selfish" way I go about my day-to-day is the same ideology that saved my life almost (six?) 6 years ago.

Trying to appease other people; not letting myself have "me" time; trying to do all these things for other people (read: school, work, social events, et cetera) - this is what drove me to use, using was my back door away from the obligations I made to appease everyone but myself; drugs became my "me" time.

In rehab I learned that being selfish can be good. Letting go of a little empathy can be healthy; not taking on others emotions and letting someone's negativity get into my head was key. Today I use several tactics to keep myself sane. Most of the time it involves being on my bike - this serves a personal sense of wellbeing as well as a way to vent. But I also employ several mental skills honed in over the last five years to keep the negativity out and the positive energy flowing.

I don't let others take up space in my head. If somebody says I made them feel a certain way I take it into consideration, but I don't internalize it. Internalization, also known as taking it personally, can happen whether your words or actions have or don't have ill intent. If I'm stating an opinion and my underlying goal is not to offend and someone says I hurt their feelings I don't internalize their reaction - it's simply that, THEIR reaction. My retort is usually "that sounds like a personal problem..." and I move on. This usually angers people, but again, it's an internalized reaction and I have no control over that and I refuse to accept any type of personal responsibility for their reaction, because it is a personal problem.

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. Go through life with good intent. Go through life with positive energy. Expend your empathy wisely, you can only take on so many other emotions that are not your own and there is a time and place for it, but it is not all the time - space in your head is valuable real estate.

Be selfish. Allow yourself time away from everyone else to do your own thing. Explore the world in your own way. Do not let others be the guiding light - allow others to be there on your journey, but the light is yours and yours alone.