Perspective

My first for real race of the season was pretty hard. I got dropped, I stayed on, I felt good, I felt bad, I hit the wall, I made a break, I got nervous, and I felt relief.

Before the final event and after three days of intense racing I was very nervous. I couldn't calm my mind down the night before the circuit race. Then all of the sudden I had a moment of perspective: at least I'm not in Libya; at least my house is still standing; I have food in the fridge, and fresh water to drink; I have a good job that pays my bills and more; I have a wonderful group of friends, a supportive family and people I know love me.

With that perspective this whole racing business becomes pretty small. Racing isn't what paid for my bike; it's not what puts food on my table; it didn't pay my car off; it doesn't bring anymore emotional intelligence into my life; racing isn't about fulfilling some gaping hole in my ego, rather, it's about completion. it's about starting something and seeing it through.

Waking up each day I have to self-commit to a lot of things: family and friends, work and myself above all else. I know I can hang, I know if I really try I can do OK with some pretty stiff competition but it's not why I start the race. It's very difficult for me to come to that line, it's the tough "get out of the door" feeling I have some days when I just don't feel like doing what ever I need to get out the door and do that day. it's easy to just say fuck it. When it gets hard in a race it's easy to say Ok, I've had enough, that's it I'm threw.

But you can always give 50% more. Your self-commitment and motivation are always synergistically linked. If you're committed to seeing it through the motivation materializes out of thin air; if you're motivated you are already self committed to the task at hand.

I was told from a young age that if you start something you see it through; if you're going to do something, then do it right. For me, doing this racing thing right is to get myself to the highest level I can as an amateur. I'm almost there, I can taste those points. I won't quit until that goal is reached.

In the mean time, while I complete that little goal, I'll keep my perspective and wits about me. I know it's just a bike race. I know it's place in my life, what it does and does not provide for me. It's just a hobby. A very expensive, time consuming, energy sapping hobby that can easily take precedence over more pressing and important matters. And here is where it comes full circle: cycling is hard, life is hard; it's not about point A or point B, it's about the ride; it's not about the bike but it's about the bike; cycling is not a sport for me, it's a lifestyle, the filter through which I experience my world - it can leave me with or without perspective, it's my decision to choose which road to take, and what I get in return for my hard work.